I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize