he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
