i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
