Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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