Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
