That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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