and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
