I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i came on her dog
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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