I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
