If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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