i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
