I can text with my tongue
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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