Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
