After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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