saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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