Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
