I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
