two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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