So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
