Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
