I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
