I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My room smells like vodka and shame
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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