Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
