I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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