Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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