I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
