do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
