I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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