Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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