Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
