the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
