That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He shit in the fireplace
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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