I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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