He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
