he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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