so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
