Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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