I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
