hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
