I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
