You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
