I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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