Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
