I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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