I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
