It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
