So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
