So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
