why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Randomize
