It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize