I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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