You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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