thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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