There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
