Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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