I think my vagina is haunted
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
