Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
