Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
